A tip

If you have your hair cut at one of those strip mall franchise places, do not use the word "proportionally" when describing how much you want cut off. She found out how much I wanted off the sides, and when she asked about the top, instead of trying to work out just what length I said something like "shorten it proportionally." She clearly thought I meant "make all the lengths equal." Now my head is a round ball of bristly red.

This is going to be an embarrassing week.